Never before, Never After
by VKole
Summary: ***Kathryn's POV is Up*** Jeffan stays on Voyager, Six months later Chakotay muses the night before he has to perform the wedding. My 1st Story. Please R&R.
1. Chakotay's POV

I've been in the holodeck for two hours practicing saying words that have been spoken countless times in human history. The words themselves do not bother me; it is whom they are meant for. Tomorrow afternoon, at 1400, I am going to marry Kathryn Janeway and her fiancÃ©, Jeffan. The day we got back from the Quarren haunts me almost as much as they day I got the news about the Cardassian attack on Trebus. Kathryn called an impromptu meeting of the senior officers. Fifteen minutes latter, we were all seated in the conference, but Kathryn hadn't arrived yet. I was just about to call her, when the door slid open and she walked in followed by Jeffan.  
  
I was surprised to see him, figuring that he had already beamed back to Quarra hours ago. Memories of the last few days rushed into my mind, Kathryn telling me they were moving in together, how happy she seemed on the planet.  
  
Kathryn glanced around the room and then began to speak, "I called you all here to make an announcement. Jeffan has decided to remain with us on Voyager. He has asked to remain a civilian, so he won't actually be a member of the crew. His expertise lies in computers. Belanna, do you think you could use him? "  
  
"I'm sure I can find something for him to do," Torres answered.  
  
"Captain, I think a welcome to ship party is in order, I can have something..."  
  
I didn't really care what Neelix wanted to do to welcome this man to Voyager; all I knew was that he was only staying on this ship for one reason. He was staying for Kathryn, and Kathryn was letting him. That was six months ago.  
  
With Jeffan in the picture, the time I spent with Kathryn all but ceased. Our weekly dinners turned into monthly lunches in the mess hall. The only things we talked about were related to the ship. I remember having to drag her to all those functions on the holodeck, but now, she goes willingly to every with Jeffan and I am the one hiding out alone in my quarters or in my office. She steals his replicator rations for coffee. Mornings on the bridge have become pure torture, looking at that stupid grin that has been plastered to her face, leaving no doubt what she was doing just a little while ago. At least her bedroom is located on the opposite side from our joined wall. I guess I should be happy for her, she has put herself under a lot of stress trying to get this crew home and she deserves a little happiness. But, I wanted to be the one who made her dinner, I wanted to be the one who took her to the party, I wanted to be the one who put that grin on her face, and I wanted to be the one who made her burdens lighter.  
  
I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. I've thought about leaving the ship more than once in the last six months. There is nothing left for me in the Alpha Quadrant, Tuvok can more than handle the administrative duties of a first officer, Kathryn doesn't listen to my judgment anyways, and Jeffan is the one she turns to when she wants to talk. I wonder if she would even miss me.  
  
Looking back at it all, I wonder if Kathryn ever saw me as anything more than a friend. To me, Jeffan seems to be a lot like Kathryn's hologram, and even more like what she has told me about Mark. She seems to prefer the scholarly, down to earth types, not spiritual, angry warriors. Maybe everything that happened on New Earth was a just a matter of circumstance. After all, I was the last man on Earth. Hell, she could have been stranded with Neelix and they would have eventually pursued some sort of relationship. Every time I tried to get closer to her, she would shoot me down, citing that the ship has to come first. Maybe it wasn't the ship after all; maybe it was just I not being able to take a hint. In my darkest moments, I even think that Kathryn has been using my feelings for her against me, in order to get what she wants.  
  
  
  
It's getting pretty late; I should probably go to bed. "Computer, End Program." The holograms of Kathryn and Jeffan disappear. Tomorrow, I can't just issue a command to make this go away. Tomorrow, I have to stab myself in the heart and say those awful words.  
  
Jeffan and Kathryn Janeway, I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride.  
  
At least I won't be the only one crying. 


	2. Kathryn's POV

Tomorrow I am going to marry a wonderful man, so why do I keep wondering if he is the right man? The last six months have been some of the best I've had since the day I stranded Voyager in the Delta Quadrant. So why do I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life? I know why, but I don't want to admit it to myself. It is, and always has been, the Maquis officer that sits next to me everyday.  
  
In my dreams, I always imagined getting this ship home and running away with Chakotay to Indiana to raise our three children. In my nightmares, I always see Chakotay raising those kids on Voyager with some other woman while the loneliness of command slowly withers me away to nothing. With Jeffan, my future is somewhere in the middle. I will never have children with him or go home to live in Indiana, but I will never become lonely either. The great Captain Kathryn Janeway, the Delta Quadrant Dare Devil, has settled.  
  
Maybe my 'settling' is the best thing that has happened to this ship and to us. Chakotay once told me that he couldn't sacrifice the present for a future that may never come, but that's exactly what he has been doing since the day we came back from New Earth. As far as I know, he has never been on a date with another member of the crew or has had anything more than a passing fling with some alien. Now that I'm officially 'off the block', he will finally have a chance to move on with his life. He could find that nice, young ensign that can give him everything he wanted from me. Regardless of my marital status, I will one day perform his wedding ceremony with a heavy heart and a strong fit of jealousy. But jealousy will pass, hearts will be mended, and everyone will move on for the better. I will be content as the Captain and wife, he will be happy to find someone who can love him as he loves them, and we can both be rid of the curse that has plagued our souls since the day we beamed back from New Earth.  
  
Things might have been very different for us. If the Ferengi didn't destroy that wormhole or the slipstream drive didn't crash and burn, I might be looking out of my farmhouse window to see Chakotay playing with those kids. Instead, all I see through Voyager's portal is a perpetual formation of unfamiliar stars. I can't look back at what if, what might have been, or even what should have been, I have to look forward to what will be.  
  
"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay," ordered the captain.  
  
"Commander Chakotay is in holodeck 2."  
  
"How long has the Commander been in the holodeck?"  
  
"One hour, thirty eight minutes."  
  
  
  
He has been in there for a while. He maybe meditating over tomorrow's events or, more likely, beating the crap out of a holographic Jeffan.  
  
There I go again, I always assume Chakotay feels the same way about me that I feel about him. I know he did a long time ago, but a lot has happened since then. After I rejected him time and time again, he must have concluded that my love for him is unrequited. Maybe he has been seeing other people without my knowledge. Maybe he just got plain sick of waiting for the old hag in the Captain's chair to come to her senses.  
  
Who am I kidding I know how he feels. I know how he feels because I know how I feel. That's the reason I have been avoiding him since Jeffan came aboard. I didn't want to hurt him by flaunting our relationship in front of him. In the process, I did something much worse. I ruined our friendship! I damned myself to this fate the day I agreed to let Jeffan stay onboard! I decided that marriage is the best thing for our relationship! I did this! I did that! Maybe it's time for Kathryn Janeway to stop unilaterally deciding every ones fate!  
  
But that's the captain's job and I will always be the captain first. My life with Jeffan will be a happy one, but not the perfect one I always dreamed about. For the good of the crew, for the good of my first officer, and for my own good, I am willing to settle for that.  
  
  
  
--Anyone want to see Part three from Jeffan's point of view? 


End file.
